Here am I
“As I was walking through the wilderness of this world, I came to a place where there was a cave. I laid down in that place to sleep and as I slept I had a dream in which I saw a man dressed in rags standing in a certain place and facing away from his own house. He had a Book in his hand and a great burden on his back. As I looked, I saw him open the Book and read out of it, and as he read he wept and trembled. Unable to contain himself any longer, he broke out with a sorrowful cry, saying, ‘what shall I do?’”
John Bunyan first seeing Pilgrim
Today, I wanted to open up to you the reader from a writer’s perspective and reveal a little about the process it took for me to write! I am opening up to tell you this not for my own gratification, but at the hopes it will help those who are at similar points in their life in trusting God and following His calling for them.
If you would have told me just a few years ago that I would be writing to an audience of thousands for Christ, I would have laughed and called you crazy! But here I am. Until recently, I never wrote anything outside of school reports. To the outside world my desires seemed elsewhere, my personal strengths were in human interaction and connection. Most would never have known my burning desire to write! Yet, living under the belief that I was not educated enough, my understanding of grammar being too simplistic, and my arguments to rudimentary for anything to be considered worthy, I stayed silent. I worked on reading great works and doing whatever I could to tell my friends, family, and anyone willing to listen what I was reading and learning about my amazing God.
As I grew older, the attraction of writing became stronger; but out of fear I stayed silent. All ideas of fear, ridicule, and judgement weighed me down to the point I would dare not imagine picking up the pen and write for Christ. I always thought to myself, “God has men of scholar, men of study, men who have words worthy of paper, not you Jl.” Even worst, I was worried that what I had to say would be incorrect and I would lead people astray, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.” James 3:1. I devoted my time to the study of the Word of God. Four to five hours a day was not enough, God orchestrated the very scenario needed for me to spend hours upon hours a day studying His Word and studying from men devoting their lives to Him. Looking back, I can clearly see that He had placed the desire and was now preparing me for what He had wanted. I started seeing the developments of the situations prophesied in the Bible being set up. Yet, I saw Christian after Christian giving up or being swept away by the Laodicea church ideology. I saw my generation failing to follow the previous generation and take ownership of our relationship with Christ, they were failing to stand on His Words and actions. God was still drawing me to what He was calling me for.
Thankfully, there came a day that the calling was too much to tolerate. I asked God to take the desire away, I wanted to be a Christian helping believers personally, using the gifts God had given me to help edify the church and spur them along towards Christ. I wanted to be done with the notion of writing and wanted to be serving in the immediate. For those who have read, The Haggai Project: Reorienting the Church back to its first love, you will know what transformation I went through, I had finally decided to give up and allow God to be the “I AM” in my life and lead where He wanted to lead me.
Seeing the world growing darker and the dwindling of Christian men wanting to stand up for the Word of God, I broke out in distress! I saw the need but was unwilling to move, unwilling to step out of my comfort. It was not until I was in my own personal study that I came across a passage of the Bible that hit me like a ton of bricks. Ezekiel 33 “And the word of the Lord came to me, saying, 2 “Son of man, speak to the sons of your people and say to them, ‘If I bring a sword upon a land, and the people of the land take one man from among them and make him their watchman, 3 and he sees the sword coming upon the land and blows on the trumpet and warns the people, 4 then he who hears the sound of the trumpet and does not take warning, and a sword comes and takes him away, his blood will be on his own head. 5 He heard the sound of the trumpet but did not take warning; his blood will be on himself. But had he taken warning, he would have delivered his life. 6 But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet and the people are not warned, and a sword comes and takes a person from them, he is taken away in his iniquity; but his blood I will require from the watchman’s hand.’” Ezekiel 33:1-6. I knew God was talking to me. I had seen the lateness of the hour within human history, the closing period of the Church Age, and knew I needed to do something. It was as if God was asking, “Who will go? Who will take up the calling and warn those who are willing to listen?” Suddenly I remembered, Isaiah “Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?’” Isaiah 6:8a. Before I knew what was coming out of my mouth I heard coming from my very own lips, “Here am I. Send me!” Quoting the direct response that Isaiah gave, I simply did not care anymore what people would think of me, but rather only what He would think. Now in no way was I or am I equating myself to Isaiah’s level or even in comparison, but rather like Isaiah I was willing to be used in whatever way God wanted to. Whatever way He wanted me to tell people the Gospel and to encourage the saints to stay the course as 1 Peter 1:13 states, “Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” I was willing to help. I was willing to run the race He had chosen for me.
My first fear immediately came quickly to challenge my intentions, “God has men of scholar, men of study, men who have words worthy of paper, not you Jl.” Yet, I quickly remembered that the very men I was afraid people might think I thought myself as or being called to act the same, men such as John Bunyan, A.W Tozer, C.S Lewis, Elmer L. Towns, Dr. Moody, and others were actually just like me. They were broken men willing to lay aside their fears and inadequate capabilities to allow Christ to use them in whatever way He wanted to use them. Any fear of my writing style, technique, or grammatical comprehension were immediately thrown aside with the perfect truth of God, “but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong.” 1 Corinthians 1:27. If God was willing to use me, than I would do whatever He wanted me to do, and if that was to write I would write!
Looking back now I see the resounding craftsmanship of God working in my life, orchestrating the needed time and effort for me to understand what He wanted me to do. What a unique journey this has been and one I will continue to pursue until God tells me no more.
On this amazing journey that God has brought me on, I want to share three lessons I have realized. First, my desire to please God must be my only aim, my biggest critics have been people in the Church refusing to adhere to the strict Word of God as our only compass. My response to them is, “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12 and “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17. We must stick to only the Word of God as our final authority on any matter. The simplest dot or mark must be adhered to with the grandest and most profound quotes in the Word of God. They are equal in weight and majesty lest they be in there at all.
Second, that the people I had not aimed to help, God had aimed to help. God, seeing the big picture, knew when and what I needed to write to help those who needed it at that moment. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. There is a scene in Acts that has always reminded me that there are moments that my intentions or plans in my writing might not be what God has planned, and I need to be ready to adhere to what He is calling. “Now an angel of the Lord said to Philip, “Rise and go toward the south to the road that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza.” This is a desert place. 27 And he rose and went. And there was an Ethiopian, a eunuch, a court official of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, who was in charge of all her treasure. He had come to Jerusalem to worship 28 and was returning, seated in his chariot, and he was reading the prophet Isaiah. 29 And the Spirit said to Philip, “Go over and join this chariot.” 30 So Philip ran to him and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet and asked, “Do you understand what you are reading?” 31 And he said, “How can I, unless someone guides me?” And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. 32 Now the passage of the Scripture that he was reading was this:
“Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter
and like a lamb before its shearer is silent,
so he opens not his mouth.
33 In his humiliation justice was denied him.
Who can describe his generation?
For his life is taken away from the earth.”
34 And the eunuch said to Philip, “About whom, I ask you, does the prophet say this, about himself or about someone else?” 35 Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning with this Scripture he told him the good news about Jesus. 36 And as they were going along the road they came to some water, and the eunuch said, “See, here is water! What prevents me from being baptized?” 38 And he commanded the chariot to stop, and they both went down into the water, Philip and the eunuch, and he baptized him. 39 And when they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord carried Philip away, and the eunuch saw him no more, and went on his way rejoicing. 40 But Philip found himself at Azotus, and as he passed through he preached the gospel to all the towns until he came to Caesarea.” Acts 8:26-40.
Thirdly, I am a broken man and when I am at my weakest, Christ is at His strongest in my life. Each weekly post, each time I am asked about my written work, I find myself totally and completely in the need for Christ to be there to help me. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2nd Corinthians 12:9. “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26.
I want to conclude with this, if you believe God is calling you to something, take it back to the Word of God. If you believe God is calling you to something, take it in prayer. If you believe God is calling you to something, DO IT! There can be no other greater calling in your life than to say these four simple words to God! “Here am I send me!” Finally, on a personal note about myself to you the reader, if you ever wonder or ever ponder about my actions through my writing or my life, I hope everything I think, say, and breath points you directly back to Jesus Christ. For I can do nothing outside of what Christ wants me to do, and yet, in Christ whom shall I fear? I am to please Him and Him alone! Take everything back to the Word of God and examine it for yourself! Nevertheless, please keep me in your prayers as Christ leads me on this grand adventure that He has for not only myself but for you!
Hold until relieved, our Blessed Hope is coming
JL